Let it Whiz

 “Aw your kids are adorable,” the woman in the check out line ahead of me said while Smirker grabbed the egg carton and Love Monster was trying to scan her hand.

 “Thanks,” I said. “Stop it!” I snap at Love Monster. 

 I have zero patience these days. I’m in a weird and potentially bad parenting zone. I find myself rushing constantly. Not paying attention. I never have time. When will I have time? And of course I’m in the line with the cashier with only one arm.

 “I remember when my kids were that young. Seems like yesterday,” the nice woman says. To which my brain replies. You’re like fucking 80. Shut up.

 I’m a bitch. Damn. But I will give myself a break. I’m in the hard part. Well, one of the hard parts when it comes to parenting. Those years before school gets them a major part of your day. The part where they are completely dependent on you and even if they want to be independent they probably shouldn’t be because that’s when they get themselves run over by cars or decide to paint the area rug.

 “You won’t believe how fast the time goes. You will miss it,” the woman said as she walked away.

 Really? Because I’m dying for this part to be over. No one tells you how draining it will be and not just those first few sleepless newborn months, but for years upon years. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard what this woman said. You’ll miss it. They all say. I know I will. But I still want it to be over. Let it whiz man. 

 If a man walked in and robbed the place right now. I swear this would be my reaction:

 Man walks in and says “Stick em up this is a robbery” (I’m going classic robber here).

 Everyone falls to the floor scared out of their minds.

 I will completely lose it and say, “Don’t fuck with me! My baby pissed on my shoes and the other one put my blackberry in the toilet. And that’s just today. I do not need this!”

 I’d glance at my kids and say, “They will take you down. Look at me.”

 Smirker probably will start laughing and Love Monster might say something about how she thinks his mask is cool. 

 The robber will be so shocked (and appalled by my frumpy mom outfit) that he leaves. If I had the where with all I would add, “And you’re a dumb ass for robbing a grocery store.”

 Does this tell you about the sort of weird mom-centric zone that I’m in? How do I get out? The only way I can see is this 
mythical “whizzing by” that everyone seems to be referring to but that I am not at all feeling.

 I finally got out of that store and restrained the children nicely in their seats.

 When we got home, I collapsed on the couch and nap time whizzed by just to fuck with me I’m sure. I swear as soon as my butt touched cushion two hours elapsed.

 Creak. Love Monster’s door opened.

 “Mama?” She said sweetly.

 I try not to show my excitement. I am about to witness the “beautiful nap haze” that happens with toddlers only on rare 
occasions and must be treated delicately.

 Love Monster wanders out of her room like she is walking on clouds. Her face looks completely different. Relaxed. Wise. I 
sat still not making too much eye contact. I didn’t want to disturb the Chi. I wish I could bottle up that time. She curled up next to me and began.

 “You will be beautiful if I give you a crayon. You will be beautiful if I give you a smile. Like this.” Then she smiled a smile I 
never seen before or since.

 The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on the television. She looks at it.

 “I'd like to Aunt Viv, really. But it's hard to get my groove on with an old woman.” Will Smith says.

 She repeats this in gibberish but the inflection is perfect. I’m convinced she spoke the language of some parallel universe. She sat on my lap facing me. She leaned in as close to my face and possible all mystical like. She gently holds my face in 
her hands. The answer is here I think.

 “Look inside Mama,” she whispered. “I will always be there.”

 I realized I have to hang on to every second of this. You hear crazy things on the news all the time. Lives cut short... I take 
this for granted.

 “You make me so happy Mama.” She said and then in the same breath, “I’m gonna use boogies instead of glue in my next craft.”

 Love Monster ran to her room and slammed the door. “I need to be alone! Don’t come in here!”

 And with that the “beautiful nap haze” spell is broken.

 Ah yes getting me ready for the teenage years except she’ll be taller and have boobs to be fondled.

  No! Time is going too fast! Slow down!

 I now realize something important. One day her getting peanut butter all over the television will seem infinitely better then 
when we find out she’s having sex.