Sunday, March 11, 2012

Thirteen Confessions of a Freaky (or not so freaky?) Mom

Am I the only one? I can’t be… I probably am, aren’t I?
The following are moments may, or may not be true – depending on if you have sense of humor. If you have the balls to admit it, it would give me some comfort in knowing that maybe there are others like me. Either that or I am a complete freak. Whatever. I’m letting my mother freak flag fly.
13.  “Crybaby”
Sometimes I think is really fucking hilarious when my kids cry. I know, I know, that might sound bad… ok, perhaps just plain cruel… but- listen sister - before you go and call DCFS and tell them I’m a sociopath, what I really mean to say is, when they fake cry. I might admit to having a picture (okay maybe one or two) of my one year old, Smirker crying on my phone. So if you see me look at my phone and giggle, you know why. I just needed a little pick me up - it never fails.
12. "Stockholm Syndrome"
You know that horrible news story where some out of control teacher has duct taped a kid to their chair because they are out of hand? When that story comes on people around me gasp, “Oh my god. They should be fired! She should be locked up! What’s wrong with her?!” And then the 10 year old kid comes on crying and says they are traumatized (whatever it’s duct tape). I chime in with my, “Those poor kids…” as well. But inside there is a tiny… no… big… piece of me that gets it. Mind you, I would never do it... But I get it. I sooooooo get it.
 11. “Leaving Las Vegas”
Benadryl… Airplane.
10.  “Paging Doctor Mama”
I kinda, sorta like it… when my toddler is sick. My squirmy girl is suddenly cuddley. She doesn’t eat all our food and is so super calm is crazy. I leave the room and come back to find her in… the same place! What?!? And she makes that cute little sicky voice. AND, perhaps most importantly, she calls me Doctor Mama. But man, it’s not long before she’s her crazy manic self.  Antibiotics are way too effective.

 9. “Pulp Fiction”
I tell my toddler some very not candy like food is candy so she’ll eat it. So much so that when Halloween comes she’s doesn’t know what the hell is going on. “Where is the carrot candy, mama?”
 8. “Annoying You: A Love Story”
I will take a toy away from my baby just to hear her make that cute cry noise. Don’t worry. I give it right back because the smile of satisfaction she gives me is just as cool. Ten take aways usually gets me my fix.
7.  “Beauty Sleep”
There is one really awesome thing about summer ending and the days getting shorter. Something to pull out in emergencies when the day has been so freaking long you want to throw every tiny little Lego piece that been scattered around the room away and set fire to that talking Elmo that’s super warped and running out of  batteries. I’ll tell my toddler it’s bedtime an hour earlier than normal and she won’t give me the “But it’s still light out” excuse. Dammit! Mama needs a break, and quite possibly a beer. I just use my keen justification skills and tell myself that the extra sleep will be good for her.
6. “Treat Torture”
When my toddler is misbehaving one of the most effective punishments is taking her dessert privileges away. One time I really wanted to drive the point home,  so I ate the dessert right in front of her. And all we had were the mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches that I detest. I choked it down and act like it’s manna from heaven. That’ll teach her to mess around during nap time, I thought. “Mean mama!” She said. I never did that again. 
5. “Damn Doppelgangers”
Sometimes when I see dogs in commercials they remind me of my one year old. “Oh my god she totally makes that face.”
4. “Golden”
I get unusually excited about nap time. I’ve made up songs about it. I look like a crazed clown trying to get my toddler excited about it.  The look of glee on my face when the clock strikes two… Nothing is more wonderful than that sudden silence.
3. “The Sidler”
My phantom baby scares me. Seriously she’ll show up anywhere. I’ll set her down on the carpet in the living room. Go to the kitchen and seconds later she’s next to me. It freaks me out.
2. “Hold my hair”
I love my toddler’s midnight pee trips when I’m a bit tipsey.  She all of a sudden makes perfect sense to me. I’m totally in sync with her stumbling. Her gibberish ramblings are kernels of wisdom that I drink up (Ice cream makes me have sweet dreams, Mama). While she holds onto me on the toilet, it’s like talking to your trashed girlfriend in club bathroom when it really takes two of you to pee. “I love you mommy. You are so pretty.  Soooo pretty. I love your face. I love you forever. Thanks for helping me.” That connection. You completely get each other.  Wow. I really will do anything to remember the good ole days.
1. “Drinking the Kool-Aid”
I get annoyed when I see everyone’s perfect little fb posts about their perfect little kids and their perfect little lives. I mean really? REALLY??? I swear, I’m totally happy for you that little Bobby learned how to put on pants today. I have those moments too. But REALLY? Every bloody day??? (And they have a freakin elastic waist, come on). Oh look! Smirker just did that cute crinkle nose smile! Dammit. I’m posting it. Shut up- don’t judge me.

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