Wednesday, January 8, 2014

I want to be just like you

I have imaginary conversations with my daughters sometimes. Late at night. Reflecting on something they said. In these conversations the girls are sort of like zen versions of themselves, the wise part of them that’s so obviously there minus most of the “trying-to-figure-out-life” kid craziness that muddles that wisdom.

Here is a real conversation I had with Love Monster recently.

Love Monster- I want to be just like you Mama!

Me- Oh that’s so sweet, love.

Then we went back to playing My Little Ponies.

Here is the imaginary conversation I had in my head later that night.

Love Monster- I want to be just like you Mama!

Me- No fucking way.

I can say the F word and stuff because this is all imaginary remember.

Love Monster- No really I do mama.

Me- I am a pain in the ass.

Love Monster- (Giggling) You said ass.

Me- But I get angry at the stupidest things.

Love Monster- You laugh at the silliest things.

Me- No. I snap. I don’t have any patience. I make too many damn lists. My priorities feel mixed up sometimes. I’ve thrown stuff when I’m mad.

Love Monster- You do crazy story time. You make yummy ice cream sundaes. We made a spork-i-corn! We wrote comic books. You sing the goodnight song every night.

Me- Have you heard how I talk to the direct TV guy when AMC is messed up?  Have you heard?? Me and customer service do not mix. You don’t want to be like me.

Love Monster- Do too.

Me- (Quietly) No. No. No. No you don’t.

Love Monster- I do.

Me- I have to eat every meal on time. If I don’t I’m a nightmare. And don’t even get me started on my teen years. And I’ve yelled at you and Smirker before for the stupidest stuff….

Love Monster- Mama, I forgive you for yelling.

I choke back a few tears.

Love Monster- We all make mistakes. That’s not the part I’m talking about. We’re your daughters. We see you. We really see you. That’s the part we love.

Me- Oh. (Silence for a bit. Love Monster holds my hand.) I really don’t want you to talk to the Direct TV guy like I did though.

Love Monster- I won’t.

Me- Okay. Cool.

Love Monster- The eating thing might be hereditary though. I need my snacks.

Me- That I can handle.

Why imaginary? I’m scared of them seeing me doubt myself.  I don’t want them to feel the burden of that. They are sponges. I am their mirror. And I do NOT want them to doubt their amazing selves. So I hold up and have the conversations in my imagination. These imaginary conversations seem to illuminate something. Give me some perspective. And the next day when we are playing ponies, I can think how lucky I am to have to little girls that love me so much.

And by the way, Love Monster? I want to be just like you.

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