I never wrote down my girls’ birth stories. I thought it was
about time I did. I’ll try to get as many details as I can right It’s been a
while! It’s Smirker’s fourth birthday today (and also mine incidentally). Though
she was second born, she gets her story out there first. Here’s to you,
birthday buddy.
September 17, 2009- It was about a week before my due date.
I was really happy I had gotten that far. Love Monster was born five weeks
early and I did not want to go through that again. We knew it was a girl.
Though nobody else did. We had a bit of a scare with the triple screen test and
were advised to get an amnio. Everything ended up coming back fine, but at the
time I needed some immediate good news. So I found out the sex. Everyone else
thought we were waiting. It was our little secret. My brother and sister-in-law
were in town visiting from Chicagoland. I was feeling good. I was soaking up
the last days I’d have with Love Monster as an only child. Man she really was a
wild child. (Still is, but, man, back then she really had no restraint.) We
were hanging out in the backyard when I started feeling contractions. Now I had
a lot Braxton Hicks going on so I thought it was nothing. But I had my sister
in law time them anyway and they were coming pretty regularly. Still I thought
nothing of it. Two and a half year old Love Monster was keeping me busy not
staying still and knocking over everyone’s drinks. That night my sister-in-law
met up with a friend and my bro, Smirker’s dad and I hung out at the house. I
put Love Monster to sleep. I remember that kiss goodnight. I think I knew
inside this would be the last goodnight song I’d sing just to her. (Good night…
Good night… again I’d say good night I love my Mack I love her face, I want to
kiss her all over the place…) About 10pm my brother headed back to the hotel.
Smirk’s dad went to bed. I don’t know if it was the sudden quiet in the house
(when Love Monster goes to bed the silence is deafening), but that’s when the contractions
started feeling… real. I paged the doc. I called my brother who had just gotten
back to the hotel and told them they had to come back and watch LM. It was
time.
Between it being four years ago and my mind not feeling
clear for obvious reasons, things get a little spotty here.
The car ride. I remember the song “Lighting Crashes” by Live
was playing and I hastily changed the channel.
The hospital. We checked in and there was craploads of
paperwork. And they kept saying. “What’s your birthdate?” September 18. “Oh
wow! You guys are going to have the same birthday.” I remember not really
realizing that until that moment. I never thought that would happen. Pretty
cool. Me, the normally “I need a lot of attention on my birthday” person was
not around. I felt pretty stoked to share.
Birthing room. I waited until 1 am to get an epidural. Sweet
relief. It felt very smooth. I remember feeling on a different plane. I know
that sounds hokey. But I felt that way. It was a good thing. I felt like my
body knew exactly what it was doing. Working just as it should. No nervousness
like with LM. It didn’t feel foreign. At 4:15am I pushed out Smirker. Perfect.
Tiny. Adorable. A mess of dark hair. Beautiful, melty chocolate eyes. (And no
episodemy. YEAH!)
She was here. My birthday sister.
Her dad went back to LM who would wake up not even knowing
we had left since everything went so fast.
And then… I started to feel not so right. And I didn’t know
how to articulate it to anyone. The pediatrician came in to check on Smirker
and she gave me a concerned look, “Are you okay?” I didn’t know the pain was so
clear on my face. Truthfully I don’t think I realized I was in pain until then.
“No, I’m not,” I said. And she walked quickly to get the nurse. The nurse
looked at me. I probably mumbled out something to her. I don’t really remember,
but I do remember she said: You just had a baby. You’re going to feel a little
pain.
But I had had a baby before. I knew I wouldn’t feel like
running a marathon but this was different. Something was wrong. Here’s where
things get very foggy. I remember bullet points.
·
I moved rooms. More of a group recovery room.
Don’t have any idea why. But Smirker was there so I concentrated on her face.
·
Suppository shoved up the bootie. It felt like shards
of glass.
·
I kept looking at Smirks to keep calm.
·
My belly hurt. A lot.
·
Back in
my room.
·
Ultrasound
***IT
GETS A LITTLE GRAPHIC HERE. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
Then
my doctor arrived. She said very kindly, “This is going to hurt. You have blood
clots and I have to pull them out.” That’s exactly what it sounds like. I
gripped the nurse’s hands. I was grateful that she was a petite Asian woman
with small hands, but that was some serious pain. I do not recommend hands up
the hoo ha. She pulled out 3 or 4 giant blood clots. I had been bleeding
internally and no one knew it.
Everyone
was glad that was over, especially me. I held and breast fed Smirker then tried
to sleep. When I woke, I still felt
pretty hazy. To be expected I guess. Smirk’s dad brought me my favorite chicken
parm dinner from Carmine’s, but I didn’t have the energy to eat it. I lay back
in the bed. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t find my voice. I remember feeling like
I was fading away. That is what it felt like, like I would just disappear in
the bed. I kept my hand in Smirker’s bassinet. Sounds around me were muted. I
was cold. Not the normal “Beth is annoyingly cold all the time” cold, but bone
deep cold. I do remember thinking. Oh yeah, it’s my birthday. Yay. I know my
girls’ dad grabbed the nurse and said things still weren’t right. He sounded
far away. At 5am they finally took a blood count. They calmly told me, I had
lost over a liter and a half of blood and I needed a transfusion. I had been
hemorrhaging all day. The nurses told me later, when they saw the count they
had panicked a little at the nurse’s station.
The
transfusion. Well that was awesome. Like really awesome. I literally felt
myself coming back to life. I totally get the vampire thing. I certainly felt
reborn that day. And through this whole thing, little Smirker was there,
waiting, perfectly calm. I was completely present with her and did as much as I
could that first day until I couldn’t. I missed a few diaper changes and
feedings that first 24 hours. But her eyes and soul got me through it. Thank you
for holding my hand and continuing to hold it. I love you so much my girl. I’ve
said it before and I’ll say it again, best birthday present ever (minus the
whole blood loss thing).
Love Monster meeting Smirker for the first time.
And perhaps my favorite picture of the two of them. I mean seriously!!! I call it "the accidental flip off."
