Head wounds and Overdoses

Both my girls have made trips to the ER so I figured it’s time to write about it.

ER trip number one

Patient: Love Monster (A shocker, I know.)

“DON’T TOUCH IT!” Love Monster has been saying ever since she got home from school. She’s actually been saying it since she stood up full force underneath a metal slide. She didn’t let the teachers look at her head or come near her. So by the time I’ve picked her up her hair is all matted and bloody. Because of all the hair I can’t tell if it’s still bleeding or how deep the cut is. The teachers hand her off to me with a smile. “I’m sure she’s fine.” Hmmm probably, but what if she’s not! We go home.

“Love Monster, we need to wash your hair,” I say. Gotta clean that thing there’s probably a good combo of paint, sand and glitter in there.

“NO WAY!” Love Monster says.

I text a picture of her head to her dad. 

“What are you doing mama?”

“Papa wants to see your hair do.”

She nods like “Of course he does” and poses.

He confirms my paranoia. Better safe then sorry.

“Did Papa like the hair picture?” Love Monster asks.

“Yes, but the doctors need to check it out too,” I say.

Off we go with Smirker in tow.

We get to the ER and check Love Monster in. I examine the cut again. I cannot tell if it’s still bleeding! Ugh.

“So how did this happen?” The nice registration lady says.

“At school. She stood up under a slide,” I say.

She smiles and types something on the computer then leaves the desk.

She comes back.

“Can you tell me how that happened again?”

“She stood up under a metal slide at school.”

“Okay,” she smiles again squinting her eyes. I’m immediately annoyed. Her eyes look to my left on the ground. I follow her gaze. Smirker is laying on the floor. 

“Smirker, get up,” I say through grit teeth. Love Monster has been sitting like an angel next to me. Maybe it’s the blood loss.

“Through those doors,” the registration lady says.

We go through and a nurse walks with us.

“So how did this happen again?” She asks.

Sigh. Metal slide. School.

She takes us to a small room to get Love Monster’s vitals. This is when Love Monster’s no-where-near-normal cool facade dissipates completely. You would think the blood pressure cuff was sucking the very life out of her and the pulse ox thingy was shooting laser into her tiny fingers. They even tried to demonstrate on Smirker who dug it (Ohh look at the red light...), but that didn’t work. Finally they gave up and the nurse just checked her head (Beastie Boys!).

“Just a scratch. She’s good,” the nurse said.  They clean her up and LM doesn’t even flinch.

She handed me pamphlets on abrasions and asked Love Monster if she wanted a puppet for being a very brave girl.

This puppet:

Oh hell no.

“If you don’t want it I totally understand. They are creepy as hell,” the nurse says. “But an old lady keeps making them and bringing them to us for the children.”

I look over to Love Monster and she loves it. Meanwhile Smirker is doing “hospital angels” on the floor. Seriously. Stop it! Sigh...

ER trip number two

Patient: Smirker

FUCK! God Dammit! FUCK! 

Smirker has just walked out of my bedroom after her nap holding a handful of Ibuprofen. She’s smiling. I smell her mouth. Don’t smell anything. I count the pills in her hands and on the floor, about 20. I look at the bottle that contained them. 200 count. Shit. How many were in there? Smirker giggles. She seems fine... But what if she isn’t and falls asleep and... Okay get in the car girls.

Similar registration experience. But instead of “How did this happen?” She asks “Where were the pills?” a billion times.

We have to sit and wait for a while (This is not a priority?!?). The girls are occupying themselves by smelling each other. They find this hilarious. Smirker doesn’t realize we are here for her by the way. When that realization hits this will no longer be fun times smelling each other’s elbow pits. I had to take her to the doctor to get her TB test recently and after it was done and she stopped screaming and crying, stared me straight in the eyes and screamed, “I QUIT!” Clearest I’ve ever heard her speak.

When we are finally taken to our room Smirker has gotten wise. She is in full on freak out mode. They take her vitals and she whimpers in my lap. Love Monster tries to calm her by singing Katy Perry’s Firework song although she doesn’t know the words. So her version goes something like this “Hippin Hoppin eye-er-irk!” 

The doctor quizzes me about how many pills she could have taken. I’m envisioning them having to pump her stomach. Oh man. Poor little Smirker. But then the doc tells me that it’s pretty tough to OD on Ibuprofen. She’d have to take a few bottles. But of course they want to watch for a while to make sure.

So we hang. They eat apple sauce and pudding and watch some Family Guy (I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts.-Love that episode.) Love Monster takes the crayons the nurse gave her and puts them on the doctor stool and spins them. 

“It is magic in here!” She exclaims.

Smirker was a trooper. Thank GOD they didn’t not have to ipecac her.

Finally after four hours we are discharged and once again they hand me a stack of pamphlets:

1. Drug ingestion. (Makes sense)
2. The importance of child safety seats. (Must be required or something to give that one out)
3. The importance of quitting smoking (What??)
4. How to help someone who is suicidal.

Yes you read that last pamphlet title correctly. Ummm Smirker’s got it pretty good. Yeah she freaked yesterday when I made her wear pants, but I’m fairly sure it didn’t make her want to off herself.

“Do you have more of those puppets??” Love Monster asks everyone at the nurse’s station as we exit the premises. They all look at her like she is insane. 

"We're all out," a nurse says.

I send them a silent thank you. I don't need anymore of those around the house. I've seen Poltergeist. I lock that creep doll up every night.

Good bye ER. Til next time, because I'm sure there will be one.

Rant #1 (Because I have a feeling this won't be the last)

Venting time. This shit won’t be funny. At least I don’t think so. So I apologize for that. I was watching extreme home makeover (okay that might be a little funny) and besides being incredibly annoyed by Ty Pennington I was crazy touched by the family and their autistic kids. Yeah yeah. Make fun of me. I got emotionally involved. They were talking about how people have a hard time relating to their kids and all they want is their kids to be happy. Nothing can make me moved to tears and annoyed at the same time like that show. Oh yeah Love monster can. And out spewed this rant. Enjoy. :)

It’s hard. It’s hard to see people not want Love Monster to be around them. I see them get annoyed with her. I see them get frustrated. I see them prefer her sister, Smirker. because she’s easier and smaller with that teeny cuteness factor. I see people dismiss Love Monster. I see other kids make fun of her and it breaks my heart. It makes me sad. It makes me mad. At them. At me. At her. 

“If you would just not hang all over people and be so loud maybe people would like you!” I scream in my head.

They don’t see the lovely little girl who just wants to show them love. They see an annoying little person who doesn’t know her own strength. She's not that.

I want people to see all the wonderful things I see. I want them to know she does have trouble controlling her impulses and it’s not just average kid stubbornness. It’s beyond her control at this point, but we’re working on it and it’s getting better. I want them to recognize that and recognize how great she is.

People who don’t really know her have called her a bully, after seeing her for two seconds and in a bad moment. But in reality she bullies people with happiness. She wants to be loved so badly and she doesn’t mask her feelings in the least.

I want her to have friends. I don’t want her classmates to yell “Love Monster Alert! Love Monster alert!“ when she comes near them. (You have no idea how pissed I am at that asshole kid. But I also know he’s just a kid and needs tolerance too so don’t get your panties in a twist). To see that happen at school and to see Love Monster deal with it like it’s no big deal tears my heart in two. Because I know her. She’s a smart, intuitive kid. She knows they are being mean. But she doesn’t let it break her. 

To have other parent teachers tell other kids “That was so nice you played with Love Monster today.” Makes me irrationally angry. The kid is crazy fun! Her dress up scenarios rival any movie plot I’ve seen. The possibilities she sees when she finds a piece of raw material astounds me. 

Ex. Left over strawberry basket equals sponge bob figurine and tiny coffee stirrer and spork equal a unicorn. 

Behold the spork-icorn:

She is a dedicated artist. And her heart is so big it makes me boil with rage to see anyone push her away. Which they do. Without subtly. She loves with no boundaries and no reservation. Which makes people uncomfortable and yeah she needs those boundaries I know. I’m on that. But I'd rather her be like that then have her feeling locked up inside.

And I’m sorry, but you have not earned the right to yell at Love Monster or get annoyed at her behavior if you’ve spent a few minutes with her. I spend my life with her. I am allowed to get pissed every now and then (behind the bathroom door of course).

So I ask you. Next time you’re around a crazy, over enthusiastic kid that annoys the crap out of you, take a second before you push that kid away or write them off. Remember that they just want to be loved. And they have parent that wants everyone to see how great they are. Please be tolerate. But of course if the kids starts lighting shit on fire or something feel free to stop letting them explore the possibilities.

And yes I realize it’s ironic that Ty Pennington annoys the crap out of me. Seeing that he is ADHD (Though she has not been diagnosed she "presents symptoms") and he would totally relate to Love Monster. They would be besties. So I take it back. Ty is not annoying with that freaking mega phone. He is just... very enthusiastic. But there is no way in hell I’d ever allow Love Monster near one of those things. Seriously who thought that was good idea.

There I feel better now. Don’t mess with Mama bear.

Rebel in a Pink Tutu

Love Monster was starting dance class. Hmmmm. My impossible to contain, spastic, larger than life daughter was starting dance class. I imagined prim proper ballerina’s practicing genteelly at the bar only to be bowled over by my tornado-in-a-human-body Love Monster. This seemed like a horrible idea though everyone I talked to about this said this would be great for her. Well, they weren’t the ones who had to watch.
My darling Love Monster couldn’t be more excited. She wore her leotard around the house proudly. Tested out her tap shoes on the linoleum (which she seemed to have insane natural ability) and practiced her “dance moves” to any musical toy that was turned on. The first day of dance class couldn’t come fast enough. But I remained cynical.

The day came. It’s only forty five minutes. We can do this. We arrived, Love Monster Smirker and I and sat in the chairs that I think only park district’s own and wait for the teacher to address the class. The teacher, an older woman in her fifties I would say, walks up and with a plastered on smile. 

“Are you ready kids??” She said.

They kids yell “Yes!” and she immediately tells them to be quiet. 

Oh lord. Smirker was squirming so I was excited to be dismissed so I could take her to the park next door. The teacher waved the kids toward her and they gathered around her in a circle. I smiled at Love Monster and started to leave. She began to wave good bye and then completely melted down. 

“No Don’t go!” she screamed. 

Now I know this isn’t unusual for kids to not want their mom to go. But Love Monster  has NEVER done this. I think I could leave her with the Insane Clown Posse and she’d be cool with that. Other mom’s look at me like “Oh I understand.”

Dude this isn’t my kid. No pity please. I finally get her calmed down and I’m ready to get the hell out of dance-ville when the teacher said:

“Parents! Now I want you out!”

Okay, good I’m going.

“But you can’t really leave. I don’t do crying or bathrooms.”

Good idea you are teaching three and four year olds. She wants us to be in proximity but not in enough proximity that our kid can see us. Have I mentioned this place is made of glass walls? Um okay lady. 

I spent the next forty minutes chasing Smirker around, because there are no closed doors and I can’t fucking corral her.  I got many a dirty look from the teacher when Smirker ran into the class. I ran after her all while trying to stay invisible to Love Monster (because that’s what the teacher wants), but secretly I was also trying to get Love Monster to see me every now and then because seeing me was actually keeping her from crying. But I could not let the teacher see, because she does not get that. You follow me? I’ll give you a second to reread that last paragraph.

But I must say the x’s are fucking genius.

The teacher put little tape x’s in a row that the kids were supposed to stand on. At first I was like “Good luck lady.” Love Monster ain’t gonna mind no x. But they work. Like magic. Love Monster stands on her obediently and does not move from it. She swings her arms to test her boundaries, but those feet were not moving. I’m putting these x’s all over the fucking house.

Then Love Monster’s had to pee.

“Love Monster’s mom!!!!!” The teacher screamed, panicked. “Where is Love Monster’s mom???”

I’m here. Relax.

I walked over to get Love Monster.

The teacher looked at me in the most condescending way, “ You didn’t take her to the bathroom before did you? Naughty, Naughty.”

I wouldn’t even know how to civilly respond to that.

And I already knew how this was going to go. As some of you might know, Love Monster does not do public bathrooms. So of course she did not go, but promised she could hold it.

Love Monster went back to class (where they ran in circles pretending they were going to Cinderella’s ball. So thats dancing... okay). And Smirker was beyond squirmy. If I put her down she immediately ran into the middle of the dance class. My only other option was having her walk the huge staircase which we did for a half hour. 

The class ended and I was more tired than Love Monster was.

“Mom, you need to smile more!” The teacher said to me on the way out. Okay, I’m going to punch her in the face.

The next few weeks go very similarly to this.Then it’s the last class before the recital. This was when “the rubber-band incident” happens. 

I stood in my close, but not close zone as I’m supposed to be trying to manage Smirker who hates being held all of a sudden when I looked over at Love Monster. She’s standing on her x (Yay Love Monster!) and I noticed she’s playing with her rubber-band that must have fallen out of her hair. She not doing anything bad. Just absent-mindedly playing with it while listening to the teacher’s instructions. Then I saw the teacher rip the rubber-band from Love Monster’s hands and say something to her. I saw Love Monster’s face fall and she started to cry.

I don’t do crying, echoed in my head. 

The teacher gestured away and said, “GO to your mom.” Love Monster ran over to me hysterical.

“What did I do wrong mom?” She said sobbing.

I’m pissed.

Now all the teacher had to do was take the rubber-band and put it back in Love Monster’s hair.

I calmed Love Monster down put the rubber-band back in her hair and sent her back. 

Love Monster went back sniffling a bit, but okay. The moment she got to her x the teacher sent her right back. “You’re still crying. Go!”

I wanted to kick this woman’s ass.

Love Monster ran back hysterical again.

ALL MISS FUCKING TEACHER had to do was calm Love Monster for two seconds. That’s all it would have taken. You are confusing the hell out of her, lady!!!! She thinks she is doing something wrong!

We are not coming back to this class. Not only do I not like this lady, but we were promised tap dance as well as ballet and we got ballet, but did hula instead because it’s summer. Whatever. Tap was why we took this class!! 

The next week was the recital. I could give a shit if we go, but Love Monster was excited so I’ll brought the flip video to document the insanity.

I came prepared. I put Smirker in a stroller so I didn’t have to worry about her with a cup full o stuff to play with, pen and paper, flip camera case and a fake diamond necklace I happen to have in my makeup bag. The stroller was worth it even though we had to get a key to take the elevator up. The recital began and I was brought to tears. Love Monster actually learned something. She was so cute. If you watch the video, the camera shakes and you can hear my sobs. I’m pathetic.

The recital ended and I wanted out. But unfortunately we needed the key to get down the elevator. And the only person we can get it from is the teacher. Sigh...

She smiled and handed us the key.

“See you next session!” She said galavanting away.

“Yes mom! Can we?”

And like child birth, you forget the pain when you see your kid’s face.

“See you then!”

The Normal Test

Love Monster is starting Kindergarten in the Fall. If you’ve been following Mother-naked for a while, you know. You know, Love Monster is... high energy. To put it mildly. I want her to have the best possible experience in school (and life). And if that means she need a little extra help in the behavior modification department then so be it.

This means... dun dun dun ... evaluation.

It’s scheduled. It’s happening. I feel good about this. Then I get mailed a gigantic stack of paperwork to be filled out before said appointment. Maybe I picked the wrong day to fill it out, because I treated this paperwork like a judgmental parent at the park.

        The questions started out fairly standard. Basic info. There was the food sheet. Circle what she eats. Not enough veggies, but I can’t be the only mom who has THAT problem. Then we get to more in depth questions. 

Is your child accident prone?

Yes.

Please explain.

She is a bit clumsy. But sometimes she can be very athletic. I mean she’ll bowl over any kid if it’s in her bee line, but it’s not malicious! She falls a lot, but only because she’s so fast...

I actually wrote the ellipses. I had to trail off my my paragraph of justifications. Yes she is accident prone. I suppose. What does that MEAN?

Does your child speak two or more word phrases? 

Answer: She’s five. She can say anything you could imagine.

Give an example.

Answer: That is a lot of paperwork mama.

Then they had a list of about 300 words.

Circle words she uses all the time.

I write in: She says all these words.

Yes, I know these are all valid questions. And yes doing this evaluation was my idea, but in my head the voice asking these questions is super condescending and is implying my kid’s an idiot.

Then they ask all the milestone questions: When did she roll over? When did she lift her head when she was lying on her stomach? How many accidents did she have during potty training? Etc. I stare at these questions for a long while, before I admit it. I DON’T KNOW! That was forever ago and me, Miss Organized, did not write this shit down. Sigh. I’m sure this means something to whoever reads this.

Does your child use four or five word sentences?

Again. She’s five.

Give an example.

I really don’t like to do things that waste my time.

The answers got more smart-assy from there...

Then my favorite section: The “Never-Sometimes-Often-Always” section. Here are some wonderful examples.

Your child:

Argues when denied a toy Sometimes

Has a short attention span Always

Decides what to wear Always (But one time she didn’t. Should I write sometimes?!?)

Breaks other kids toys Shit I think she’s done that before. But not always!

Holds a grudge Never

Encourages others to do their best Always. She constantly validates me. It’s great.

Annoys other people on purpose Not on purpose...

Does strange things She’s five. Of course she does.

Sets fires Whoa! Never.

Need to be reminded to brush their teeth This is right after “sets fires.” What?? 

Is unclear Sometimes? Again she’s five and has a strange fantasy world named Creepy-land.

Complains of pain Never “Mama I’m a tough guy.” 

Tries to be perfect Sometimes

Falls down Always. Then I cross that off and write sometimes. Again sure to be read into.

Pays attention Sometimes? Often? Sometimes.

Hurts others? Not on purpose. She’s got some tunnel vision sometimes..

Is easily distracted  Always

Is sad Never. Well not “never” but rarely. So “sometimes”I guess, but that seems like a lot!

Acts strangely Okay how is this different then “does strange things” ... This is a trick.

Shares Sometimes

Gets sick Sometimes. Who doesn’t??

Pouts Never. Well I guess sometimes. I really don’t like this word, “sometimes.”

Seeks revenge She is not evil. I know that’s what you are really asking.

Hurts animals And no she’s not a serial killer. 

        If we were asking these questions of an adult and they were answered the same way I feel like we’d lock this person up! Again paranoia has set in. And to make it worse. There are two separate packets with the same or similar questions. Are they trying to find out if I answer differently? AHHHH!

        I finish and put the paperwork away in the envelope. All ready for her appointment in the coming week. I want Love Monster to have the fullest life possible and I want her to do well in school. I hope this helps. I’m worried about over analyzation. I’ve tried to have to talk to a professional before and that did not work. The woman just tried to make her sit down and talk right away and the woman was surprised and looked worried when Love Monster didn’t want to. Well of course she didn’t want to! She doesn’t know you and your were trying to make her open up! And I know she had this feeling she was there because something was "wrong" with her. Sigh... I want Love Monster to be successful, but I don’t want all her wonderful qualities to be stifled either. She’s not a sit-perfectly-still-on-the-carpet type of gal. But that doesn’t mean something is wrong with her. At least I don’t think so...  

I think Frank Zappa said it best, “The more boring the child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child receive adulation for being good parents- because they have a tame child-creature in their house.” I hate that people think a good kid is one that’s seen and not heard. 

Basically what this comes down to is this: what is normal? What is acceptable? There is no “normal.” Acceptable? I’m not sure. Yeah violence and general mean-ness is not okay. But beyond that I think we should broaden what else is acceptable when it comes to kids. And we push making them share. I talked to a friend of mine about this. I understand sharing is a concept that good for them to learn, but I think it’s okay for them not to want to sometimes as long as they handle it well. My friend said, I mean do we adults share all the time? Hell no. My computer is not just open to anyone’s use!

I don’t have a calm, “easy” child. But she’s also insanely smart, hilarious, creative and definitely not boring. But learning a teensy bit of conformity to use in the right situations might be helpful. And maybe making sure she’s aware of other people and her surroundings so she doesn’t take a kid’s head off swinging a bat around might be good. And helping with that interplay will be helpful... So bring it on. But don’t you dare tell my kid she’s unacceptable.

So whatever the evaluation brings, I’m ready.

And those of you with tame kids out there. Good for you. I’m sure your child is not boring. And lucky for you, you don’t have to deal with insane children waking you up at crazy hours singing songs about how your breath smells and eating cereal while making a play-dough sculpture of a Pegasus eating sand in your bed. But also how unlucky for you because you don’t have to deal with insane children waking you up at crazy hours singing songs about how your breath smells and eating cereal while making a play-dough sculpture of a Pegasus eating sand in your bed.

 Wouldn’t trade Love Monster for the world.

Tequila and Ice Cream

St. Patrick’s day last month started with a graveyard of worms and ended with a Eddie Murphy throwback. Kinda was the best St. Patrick’s day ever.

Oh I’m getting ahead of myself. It actually started with my friend Elizabeth and I getting senior discounts at Souplantation. Maybe that started our spiral... One of my closest friends who I hadn’t seen a long time was in town, she had never met my kids before. This was a huge day. Love Monster is obsessed with Souplantation (“There’s soup and pizza bread AND ice cream from a machine!”) so we decided to go there for lunch. We’re two women in our mid thirties (who I’d like to think don’t even look that old) and the woman at the register says “I gave you the discount.” The 10% senior discount. Umm I will proudly pay that 10 percent if that means I look under 60! I was outraged! I MEAN... Okay I’ll stop there. I wasn’t offended at all. I’ll do anything for a discount. 

Anyway it did get me wanting to have some sort of St. Patrick’s Day celebration. I had the kids so I couldn’t go hit the bars and act like an idiot 20 year old (Not that I would ever do that. I am sooooo beyond that.), but I could have a scrumptious dinner out with my friend and the kiddos and maybe drink a margarita or two...

Fast forward through rainy afternoon relaxation to the main event. We walked into town to one of my favorite Mexican joints. The rain had made the walk through the parking lot difficult. It brought out the worms. And this horrified and thrilled my girls at the same time. Sober, this was was annoying. It was keeping me from my enchilada and margarita, but we got through it avoiding each and every rotting worm corpse.

We get to our destination and settle in with our hedonistic delights. Kids are having fun. Seeing my best friend. Good food. Good drink. Sigh...

I kinda forgot one margarita gets me kinda toasted. Happily toasty not fall over toasty, but yeah okay... probably legally drunk. So I was pretty content and it made me remember something. When I am slightly buzzed and the kids are near I relate to them on a whole new level. Hanging with Love Monster is like hanging with my drunk college roommate. Just like it! She even spilled the salsa on my jacket like my old roommate would have and told me I was really pretty while I was taking a pee.

And Smirker... Have I mentioned before Smirker loves the alcohol? Yeah. She does. She tasted a bit of beer when she was very little and instead of cringing, she loved it. Ever since if she sees one it become the holy grail. One time on a plane the lady next to us was drinking a beer and Smirker was doing everything she could to get it. Trying to keep a two year old contained in the eighteen inch cube of a fucking seat was next to impossible. The lady looked at me strangely. 

“I have no idea why she’s doing that!” I said while Smirker put her hand on my face for leverage. I mean I can’t say: She loves beer and you are torturing her with your little Amstel Light break (Not to mention me. I could have used it.). 

She smiled and said “Maybe she thinks it’s apple juice.” Yeah... no she doesn’t.

So back to St. Paddy’s day in the mexican joint. The margarita is no exception. Smirker is not an alcohol snob. Every chance she gets she’s dipping the lime into my margarita and sucking it dry. I suck down my margarita to keep her from hitting her legal limit which pisses her off to no end, but I appease her with an equally awesome choice: ice cream.

We get our ice cream cones and walk home. Everyone is happy. Love Monster is screaming “HAPPY ST. CHONIES DAY!” to everyone we pass (Look it up if you must) which Elizabeth and I find hysterical. 

        

        My buzz is at it’s high when it happens:  Both my kids ice creams fall off their cones. 

This was my breaking point. I could not stop laughing and for some reason (thank god) the kids thought it was funny too. Especially when Elizabeth starting singing: “You dropped your ice cream, and you ain’t got none. And you got none...” This was all while we wound our way through the maze of the worm graveyard.

This pic is proof it was the best St. Chonies Day ever.I dare you to look at it tell me it wasn’t.

Let it Whiz

 “Aw your kids are adorable,” the woman in the check out line ahead of me said while Smirker grabbed the egg carton and Love Monster was trying to scan her hand.

 “Thanks,” I said. “Stop it!” I snap at Love Monster. 

 I have zero patience these days. I’m in a weird and potentially bad parenting zone. I find myself rushing constantly. Not paying attention. I never have time. When will I have time? And of course I’m in the line with the cashier with only one arm.

 “I remember when my kids were that young. Seems like yesterday,” the nice woman says. To which my brain replies. You’re like fucking 80. Shut up.

 I’m a bitch. Damn. But I will give myself a break. I’m in the hard part. Well, one of the hard parts when it comes to parenting. Those years before school gets them a major part of your day. The part where they are completely dependent on you and even if they want to be independent they probably shouldn’t be because that’s when they get themselves run over by cars or decide to paint the area rug.

 “You won’t believe how fast the time goes. You will miss it,” the woman said as she walked away.

 Really? Because I’m dying for this part to be over. No one tells you how draining it will be and not just those first few sleepless newborn months, but for years upon years. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard what this woman said. You’ll miss it. They all say. I know I will. But I still want it to be over. Let it whiz man. 

 If a man walked in and robbed the place right now. I swear this would be my reaction:

 Man walks in and says “Stick em up this is a robbery” (I’m going classic robber here).

 Everyone falls to the floor scared out of their minds.

 I will completely lose it and say, “Don’t fuck with me! My baby pissed on my shoes and the other one put my blackberry in the toilet. And that’s just today. I do not need this!”

 I’d glance at my kids and say, “They will take you down. Look at me.”

 Smirker probably will start laughing and Love Monster might say something about how she thinks his mask is cool. 

 The robber will be so shocked (and appalled by my frumpy mom outfit) that he leaves. If I had the where with all I would add, “And you’re a dumb ass for robbing a grocery store.”

 Does this tell you about the sort of weird mom-centric zone that I’m in? How do I get out? The only way I can see is this 
mythical “whizzing by” that everyone seems to be referring to but that I am not at all feeling.

 I finally got out of that store and restrained the children nicely in their seats.

 When we got home, I collapsed on the couch and nap time whizzed by just to fuck with me I’m sure. I swear as soon as my butt touched cushion two hours elapsed.

 Creak. Love Monster’s door opened.

 “Mama?” She said sweetly.

 I try not to show my excitement. I am about to witness the “beautiful nap haze” that happens with toddlers only on rare 
occasions and must be treated delicately.

 Love Monster wanders out of her room like she is walking on clouds. Her face looks completely different. Relaxed. Wise. I 
sat still not making too much eye contact. I didn’t want to disturb the Chi. I wish I could bottle up that time. She curled up next to me and began.

 “You will be beautiful if I give you a crayon. You will be beautiful if I give you a smile. Like this.” Then she smiled a smile I 
never seen before or since.

 The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on the television. She looks at it.

 “I'd like to Aunt Viv, really. But it's hard to get my groove on with an old woman.” Will Smith says.

 She repeats this in gibberish but the inflection is perfect. I’m convinced she spoke the language of some parallel universe. She sat on my lap facing me. She leaned in as close to my face and possible all mystical like. She gently holds my face in 
her hands. The answer is here I think.

 “Look inside Mama,” she whispered. “I will always be there.”

 I realized I have to hang on to every second of this. You hear crazy things on the news all the time. Lives cut short... I take 
this for granted.

 “You make me so happy Mama.” She said and then in the same breath, “I’m gonna use boogies instead of glue in my next craft.”

 Love Monster ran to her room and slammed the door. “I need to be alone! Don’t come in here!”

 And with that the “beautiful nap haze” spell is broken.

 Ah yes getting me ready for the teenage years except she’ll be taller and have boobs to be fondled.

  No! Time is going too fast! Slow down!

 I now realize something important. One day her getting peanut butter all over the television will seem infinitely better then 
when we find out she’s having sex. 

Blind Date: The toddler Edition

I got to witness my daughter’s first date.  She subtly fixed her hair, adjusted her favorite dress and had so much confidence the boy couldn’t help but take notice. Have I mentioned that she is five?

 The girls, my mom and I walked up to the neighborhood ice cream shop for a little after dinner treat. Love Monster my five year old, concocted her sundae from the do it yourself candy bar piling on Oreo chunks, sour worms and sprinkles onto her strawberry ice cream as I put together, her sister, Smirker’s more conservative vanilla and sprinkles combo. I saw Love Monster gazing across the room. Now she doesn’t stop for anything so this moment certainly felt like the world was standing still.  A boy about her age and his older sister,I presumed, were sitting at a table. Love Monster was totally locked in. Without a second thought she sat next to him. 

 “Hi,” she said with supreme authority.

 His sister might as well have been invisible.  Love Monster only had eyes for this boy. The sister was a little taken a back.  The boy looked like he was trying to melt into his chair. The kid’s grandparents who were standing nearby took notice as well. 

 We were all enchanted. 

 My mom, Smirker and I took a table behind this impromptu first date. (Hell I know what boys are capable of) and tried to seem interested in our melting dessert.

 The boy’s sister was not so subtle.  She whipped out her iPhone and began filming.

 “So, who’s your favorite superhero?” Love Monster asked. Immediately the boy’s nervousness faded.

 Now that was a good question. Dang girl. No wasting time! How did she know to ask that??? She has got game. What a great line. I was in awe.

 “I can’t decide. Either Spiderman or Batman.” 

 Love Monster nodded in agreement.

 “What about you?” He asked.

 “Super-girl,” She responded.

 He smiled.

 She does not know superheroes by the way. She thinks Super-girl is her.

 The both took bites of their ice cream.

 “Ask his name,” I whispered to her.

 “What’s your name?” Love Monster asked.

 “Dave,” The boy said.

 Dave. Dave. Dave’s are trouble.

 Then he spoon fed her a bite of ice cream and dabbed away the excess on her mouth with his napkin. I don’t think I’ve had a date that’s gone this well.

 “She’s pretty! Tell her she’s pretty!” His grandma said.

 This has got to be the weirdest date ever between the cheering sections, arm chair dating and soon to be youtube fame. But they were rolling with it. By then everyone in the shop was watching this little snippet of juvenile romance.

 “I want to show you something,” Dave said standing up.

 I nearly choke on my sprinkles.

 He started to do the robot. Perfectly. 

 He was talking about dancing, Beth. He’s four. Chill out.

 Love Monster of course began to join in and he taught her a few moves.

 They spent the next ten minutes playing “Angry Birds” with the strap between the stanchion poles. They could not have been having a better time. 

 “Mama I got to go to the bathroom,” Love Monster said. “Come on Dave~’

 “Gonna stop you right there Dave,” I said putting out an arm as he tried to follow her in. This is NOT ending Blind Date style. “I think we’re done.”

 And then the date was over.

 We walked home. She jumped around in her princess dress lost in thought. I wondered if she was thinking about her first brush with love.

 “Who do you think is smarter? Spongebob or Patrick?” She asked.

 Thank god.

 “Spongebob. Definitely.” I said.

 I’m not ready for her to be boy crazy. She skipped down the street saying hello to everyone that walked by. “I like your dress!” She said to one girl.

 I admire her. She is nothing but herself with no apology and no doubt. I will pummel any idiot boy or mean girls that tries to make that disappear. She is one amazing kid.